We interrupt your afternoon workday to bring you this special Conman Breaking News Report. It’s 2 pm and I’ve already taken 3 sh!ts at work. I should have known things would be rough when the Mrs. asked me this morning if I sh!t my pants. That’s what happens when you spend all weekend eating dairy and items you don’t normally eat- tortellini at an Italian restaurant with the Mrs. on Friday, pizza, cookies, and cupcakes while playing poker with the fellas on Saturday night, and cake, ice cream, and brownies at a birthday/graduation party yesterday. My stomach is now like a wrung-out wet rag.
This has been a Conman Bathroom Breaking News Report. We now return you to your regularly scheduled workday.
UPDATE: Make it 4 times, each more painful than the last. I still have a long way to go to break my friend from college’s record set during a summer internship. I believe his record was 11 in a single workday. The last few trips were met with cheers from coworkers . . . This is the same friend who woke up one morning during that same internship wearing his work clothes from the previous day. All he could see in front of him was the dashboard in his car. He knew he’d been out drinking the night before, but wasn’t sure where he was. He slowly raised the seat to find, much to his relief, that he was in the parking lot outside work. He then went to work wearing the same clothes. I believe this might have been the same day he set the crapping record, but I’m not totally sure .
That is too awesome! Please fill me in who this porcelain warrior is next time I see you. Haha.