Yeah, I’m Still Here

I want to apologize to my 3-4 loyal readers for the dearth of postings over the past month or so. Between being busy at work, Thanksgiving, and not much exciting going on, I got lazy and stopped posting. I’ll try to pick it up.  Let’s get to a random grab bag of goodies:

Quick: Man or woman? http://www.break.com/index/singing-woman-with-a-beard.html

Last weekend I went out in my hometown with a couple of my homeboys from high school. Much like in high school, we went to the supposed happening place in town only to find that not a single person within 5 years of our ages, either younger or older, was out that night. We didn’t do the night before Thanksgiving routine (because we’re old and some people have duties and responsibilities for Thanksgiving and can’t afford to be out all night drinking), and instead chose the Friday after Thanksgiving. It was a small group of 5, with one bailing early. Bored at the happening place with no one we knew, and not wanting to drive a long way to another bar in another town, someone suggested going to the local gentlemen’s club. I objected. I don’t have a problem with these places in general, but I was kind of proud of the fact I’d never been in the local gentlemen’s dive despite its being around for 20 years. I was outvoted, however, and we headed over. The place was much smaller than I thought it would be, and I really was not into being there. The women were meh, the place was small, and I really didn’t feel like potentially running into people I knew there. I also felt a little guilty being in there for some reason- perhaps because the Mrs. and I have been trying to get pregnant? Anyway, the guys sat down in some open chairs around a stage. I sat down because there really was nowhere else to chill, but sat back from the stage. I’ve never been into giving dollars to the ladies, and since, as I noted, these ladies were very meh, I stayed away and really didn’t look in the dancer’s direction much. Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from laughing while one of my buddies had the dancer’s leg hooked around his head, yet he refused to change his expression- no smile, no nothing. (It reminded me of the time when I was given an airplane spin by this scary dude in 7th grade against my will. I kept my hands in my pockets with no expression as he whipped me around. I could have died, but damn it I wasn’t going to show fear . . . ) Anyway, the dancer moves over to me, and is trying to get my attention. I’m not looking at her at all, which apparently pisses her off. She starts asking what my problem is, and I say something like I’m here against my will and don’t want to get in trouble. That doesn’t placate her, and she just gets angrier, accusing me of being cheap for not giving her a dollar. I should have just thrown some money at her, but I really didn’t think to do that because, I guess, I felt like I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t even looking at her- it’s not like I was getting a cheap thrill, pun intended. My straightfaced buddy then incredulously looked at me said “why are you trying to reason with her? Tell the dumb b!tch to get the f*** away from you!” That’s not really my style I guess. As my friend said, only I would get in an argument with a stripper while she’s on the stage . . . As a side note, I think another friend of mine got a lap dance from this nut later in the evening (he wasn’t there when our argument went down).  The night was at least salvaged by getting breakfast at a diner afterward, although I was gagging myself on my own farts the next day and crapping my brains out all day . Nothing like a 2am breakfast piled on top of beer (and a hamburger for dinner) . . .

With all the recent hubabaloo regarding Tiger’s dalliances with various lovely ladies across the globe, I can’t help but think that Derek Jeter is not only a future Baseball Hall of Famer, but  a friggin genius. He has yet to get married. He’s been banging hotties since 1996- Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey, Scarlett Johansson, and now Minka Kelly. Sure, everyone’s envious, but there’s been no controversy because he hasn’t gotten married while still playing. If  athletes out there waited until the end of their careers to get married, they might save themselves and their spouses some grief. Or not.

I am in the process of reading Bill Simmons’ (aka the Sports Guy) book called the Book of Basketball. I’ve read about 175 of the over 700 pages, and although I’m not a big NBA fan, it’s been an enjoyable and informative read. Saying that (as Larry David might say), I was shocked the other night when I read a paragraph he wrote about the summer of 1976 being one of the greatest summers ever. Two of those reasons? Jaws was released and Randy “Pink” Floyd’s fictional class from the movie Dazed and Confused graduated. I read the section over several times, knowing full well that Jaws was released in the summer of 1975, not 1976, and also that Randy Floyd was a junior in Dazed and Confused, and therefore would not be graduating high school until 1977. I googled the Jaws thing just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. I was about to email Simmons (and still might), but decided to google “errors in the Book of Basketball and Simmons” or something like that. Apparently there are a number of mistakes. I can see getting something wrong like whether the Phoenix Suns made the Conference finals or semi-finals in a particular year (I’m making that up but apparently there is some similar mistake in the book), but I was shocked that Simmons could whiff so badly on a pop culture reference. I’m dumbfounded. Had to be an editing mistake, right? Right? Still, while it took me a few minutes to get over these two glaring errors, I’ve plowed on and am once again really enjoying the book.

Speaking of Simmons and the NBA, I recall him once linking this classic, so let’s revisit it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk

 Who the hell is going to see him in concert, anyway??? And the creepy guitarist from SNL back in the day is there, too! What a concert that must have been.  

My friend and I used to have a friend in the neighborhood when we were kids whose father was a tremendous throat clearer.  The guy must have had a lot of flem, or perhaps acid reflux, but we used to find it amusing in a 8 year old kid kind of way when he was ahemming over and over.  So here are my two favorite throat clearing clips of all time. Phillip Seymour Hoffman in an underrated comedic performance in Along Came Polly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I25e9bNNfgQ

and this recent Family Guy episode. It’s the whole episode, so go to about 3:39. And after that, well, watch the whole thing, or at least fast forward to about the 12:14 mark and watch until Jerome gives Lois the Heimlich maneuver . .  .

http://www.hulu.com/watch/107014/family-guy-jerome-is-the-new-black#s-p1-so-i0