So this morning I went to the bathroom at work and the old retired guy who comes to our office once a week or so is in the bathroom, thereby scuttling my crapping plans. I observe him wet some paper towels and then take them into the bathroom stall with him. I then return to my office and email a buddy of mine who used to work here to make a joke that ___ must have a killer hemorrhoid and that it sucks getting old. Fast forward an hour later, and I again make the trek to the bathroom. I walk in and it smells like a chimpanzee has been living in there for 2 weeks. I use the aerosol spray can that someone mercifully brought in there a few weeks ago and start spraying. But it still stinks. I see all sorts of toilet paper on the floor in the far stall, which is where I usually like to nest, so I start to walk into the other stall. But it still stinks in there, so I decide to go back into the first stall. I close the door, and then see that the toilet seat seems a little wet (no doubt from the wet paper towels used by the old guy), and I start thinking, it’s gross in here, I should go back to the other stall. As I turn to leave, I proceed to step in human sh!t that was concealed by the toilet paper on the floor. I reflexively wipe my shoe on the floor, totally disgusted, and then lift up my foot to see that there’s a pretty decent amount of dark brown sh!t on my shoe, embedded in the grooves, of course. I gag once, then take my shoe off and start washing it off in the sink, hoping no one comes in. I then used the aerosol spray and just kept drenching the shoe with that stuff and water. More gagging as I try to remove any remaining crap in the grooves of the shoe with a paper towel. I finally got it clean and stink-free and, thankfully, no one came in. The worst part? I didn’t even get to take a crap, and still have to go as of this writing. I told the secretary to call the custodial staff so hopefully it’ll be cleaned out of there soon enough. I repeat- getting old sucks.
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As you know, I like to visit and rank various major league ballparks. I don’t have a video game system these days, but if I did I’d defintely be getting this game. Included in MLB10 The Show are a host of old classic ballparks. Check it out: We interrupt your afternoon workday to bring you this special Conman Breaking News Report. It’s 2 pm and I’ve already taken 3 sh!ts at work. I should have known things would be rough when the Mrs. asked me this morning if I sh!t my pants. That’s what happens when you spend all weekend eating dairy and items you don’t normally eat- tortellini at an Italian restaurant with the Mrs. on Friday, pizza, cookies, and cupcakes while playing poker with the fellas on Saturday night, and cake, ice cream, and brownies at a birthday/graduation party yesterday. My stomach is now like a wrung-out wet rag. This has been a Conman Bathroom Breaking News Report. We now return you to your regularly scheduled workday. UPDATE: Make it 4 times, each more painful than the last. I still have a long way to go to break my friend from college’s record set during a summer internship. I believe his record was 11 in a single workday. The last few trips were met with cheers from coworkers . . . This is the same friend who woke up one morning during that same internship wearing his work clothes from the previous day. All he could see in front of him was the dashboard in his car. He knew he’d been out drinking the night before, but wasn’t sure where he was. He slowly raised the seat to find, much to his relief, that he was in the parking lot outside work. He then went to work wearing the same clothes. I believe this might have been the same day he set the crapping record, but I’m not totally sure . It’s been a while, but I am excited to announce that the Conman’s nocturnal activities have returned with a flourish. A few nights ago I had a vivid dream that I was eating a bowl of cereal (Special K with chocolate bits, a stupendously tasting delight for an allegedly healthy cereal) along with a bunch of other people. When I got up, I happened to mention to the Mrs. that I had had this dream. She asked me if I wanted cereal for breakfast, and went into the cabinet to take the box out for me. She had just bought a new box of this cereal the day before, so it should been unopened. Nope, it had been opened, and it was clear that some had already been eaten. I raced to the refrigerator and, sure enough, the new bottle of milk had been opened and drained of some of its contents. Despite these clues, the smoking gun was missing- if I really did eat the cereal in my sleep, why was there no empty bowl in the kitchen sink, or on the counter, or anywhere else? We looked for a while until the Mrs. noticed that there was a bowl and spoon underneath our coffee table in the living room. Case closed. Well, maybe I’m making some progress, at least, since I do have some memory of eating the cereal and enjoying it. That sure beats inhaling a cupcake in my bed and not tasting any of it. On a whim, after we traced the cereal clues, I checked in the fridge to see how the small amount of ice cream was doing. About a week earlier I had eaten half a small container of Ben & Jerry’s and then duct taped the top and hid it in the back of the fridge. Well, the ice cream container was in its hiding spot, but the duct tape had been ripped off and there was no ice cream left. I have no idea when the ice cream was consumed. The scary part of all this is that we’re going to be moving into a house where the bedrooms are on the second floor and the kitchen on the first floor. I’m nervous I might fall down the stairs on my next cereal/ice cream midnight jaunt . . . Perhaps sensing that we wouldn’t be around much longer, a mouse has been hanging out in our kitchen at night. I’ve caught him out of the corner of my eye scurrying around in the hallway, but when I jump up from the couch and chase him down, he’s long gone. The Mrs. figured out where he might be entering and exiting from, underneath the kitchen cabinets, so she’s duct taped all the areas she can find. Unfortunately, she may have blocked up all his holes, because I haven’t seen him since. I suspect he’s back to hanging out upstairs, because our neighbor told us she already killed at least one mouse last week, and because we occasionally hear her and her daughter yelling upstairs, presumably when the mouse starts running around up there. This is unfortunate only in the sense that I recently bought a bunch of traps and have been hoping to kill the sumbitch myself. To be continued . . . Ah, Sarah Palin. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers, that’s for sure, but she has got to be one of the most dangerous people out there. You know why? Because she thinks she’s smart and knowledgable even though she’s an ignorant retodd: Boston College won the Beanpot last night with a 4-3 v ictory over arch rival Boston University. BC won National Titles in 2001 and 2008. They also won the Beanpot both of those years. So this is a good sign. Check out this sick goal from freshman Chris Kreider last night: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWj7KPgUwsg&feature=player_embedded In other news, the Mrs. and I agreed to purchase our first home. I’m currently going crazy, as dealing with our buyer’s agent, mortgage lender, inspectors, homeowner’s insurance carrier, et al, has become a fulltime job. It should be done with soon, though (well, the immediate stuff prior to signing a P & S), so I can’t complain too much, as we’re happy to finally be joining the homeowner ranks. It’ll be an adjustment, since we’re moving farther away from where I work and more into the ‘burbs, but with a little Conman on the way (yup, big life change number two), it makes sense. I’m following the paths of a couple of friends of mine- marriage, house, baby, all within a pretty short period of time because, you know, it’s always great to pile on as many stressful things into as small a period of time as possible. Stress is good for you. I had been planning on shaving my head one of these days, but it may not be necessary at the rate I’m going. It’s just too bad stress doesn’t make back hair or knuckle hair fall out. I’d be proud if my back had a receding hairline. I love this video. If BC ever makes it to the National Championship Game before I die, then I’m sure that something bad will happen late in the game and I’ll have a reaction similar to this one. I love how nervous Ms. Viking is in this video right before the pick. http://vodpod.com/watch/2931053-vikings-fan-reacts-to-favre-int I’m currently reading George Kimball’s “Four Kings” about Ray Leonard, Marvin Hagler, Tommy Hearns, and Roberto Duran and their domination of the last great era of boxing. In the book, there is mention of an incident that occurred in 1977 after a fight between heavyweights Scott LeDoux and Johnny Boudreaux. After Boudreaux is awarded a very questionable decision and is being interviewed outside the ring by Howard Cosell, LeDoux tries to kick Boudreaux (who is still up on the ring apron) and during the commotion Howard’s toupee gets knocked off. Well, lo and behold, this incident is on youtube. Most of the action is on the mid left hand side of the screen. I can’t tell if Howard put the wig on backwards- Kimball claims that he did, but I’m not sure. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlY1AUcJM3I&feature=related I love the way his hands immediately reach for his head. Although I don’t wear a toupee, I’ve been balding for 15 years. I know the discomfort of having one’s baseball hat yanked off, or being required to remove the hat for the National Anthem, or in order to enter a bar, knowing that the hair underneath is all matted down, greasy, and looking especially “baldy” that day. I feel for ya, Howard. As you can see, I have not posted much of anything in the past few months. I am currently undecided as to whether I should continue to occasionally post on this blog, or do away with it altogether. I’m not sure I have anything interesting left to say. Some might say I’ve never had anything interesting to say and that having this blog just proves that in the internet age, every moron thinks he is a great writer or someone of importance. Nonetheless, since I’ve started this entry, I might as well write about a few things of interest going on. First, since I posted my last entry re BC basketball, they’ve completely gone into the tank. No heart, no teamwork, no hustle, and questionable talent. The coaching hasn’t been good, either. There won’t be anymore entries on this topic unless they decide to get a new coach. Skinner deserves another year based upon his impressive history here, but I’d like to see him bring in a few new assistant coaches Speaking of BC, I attended the Frozen Fenway game against BU at Fenway Park on January 8. We drank before, during, and after, so the cold was somewhat manageable. Well except for my toes, which were ready to fall off by the third period (I put the toe warmers in too late). The atmosphere was electric- it was pretty neat being at Fenway in the dead of winter with snow falling and “watching” a hockey game. I put watching in quotations because we were in the RF corner and could see and hear very little from the game. We basically paid $50 to stand outside and watch the game on the scoreboard. Here was the view from those seats:
Thankfully, we moved to higher seats and closer to the rink for the 3rd period, when people started leaving because it was so cold:
All in all, it was a great experience. After the game, two of us went back and had a few beers at a nearby establishment. I knew I had a buzz, and I drove home fine, but in retrospect, driving was probably not the greatest idea in the world. When I got home I realized that the extra hand and toe warmers I had in my jacket were no longer there. I was pissed off, thinking someone in the bar must have swiped them when I put my jacket down (2 of these warmers were these rechargeable ones that I bought in NYC; I was at Union Square in this park where all these Christmas booths were set up. As I was strolling around, I saw this attractive woman standing next to one of the booths. As I was admiring her beauty, she caught me looking at her and asked me if I wanted to try one of these new rechargeable hand warmer things. Of course I tried them, and then the Mrs. came over and said, “oh, those would be great for that Fenway game you’re going to in January”. So, I bought them. Good trick- have your attractive girlfriend stand near your booth but make it appear as though she is not a saleswoman. Then lure the gawkers in . . . ) Anyway, I thought the warmers had been stolen, and the Mrs. thought I was getting too worked up over it and therefore must be drunk. Of course I protested that I wasn’t drunk. Well, the next day, while I was recuperating from my hangover, I went out to the car and there was one of the hand warmers lying in the driveway. We found the second one a day later also in the driveway . . . Ok, let’s end this with a few quality photos and videos courtesy of failblog and daily motion: http://failblog.org/2010/01/14/proper-hygiene-fail/#comments (That one counts as my one crap reference found in each post) Ok, one more crap one: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbrai8_public-decency-fail_fun I’d have liked to have been there in person for this one: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbqw7b_weightlifting-fail_fun I went to the BC basketball game versus Miami on Sunday, so I missed most of the Patriots debacle. Heading into the season, I was pretty optimistic, as BC returned everyone from last year’s NCAA squad but Tyrese Rice ( albeit their top scorer). BC then lost to St. Joe’s and Northern Iowa (not a bad club) at the Paradise Jam tournament, both losses coinciding with the loss of their best player, Rakim Sanders, in the first 5 minutes of the St. Joe’s game, and I started getting worried. Well, Sanders isn’t back yet (maybe tomorrow night or for Sunday’s game against URI), but BC has reeled off wins at Providence, at Michigan, and now against Miami. The highlight of the Miami game was this dunk from the next BC star, Reggie Jackson. Mr. October incredibly got called for a charge on this dunk, a horrendous call that could have cost BC the game (they were up 2 with 18 seconds left when the charge was called). Regardless, this is one of the best college dunks I’ve seen in a while (and probably the best at BC since Gerrod Abram broke the backboard during a game against Providence my junior year at BC): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCxEY-lgf2w&feature=player_embedded I want to apologize to my 3-4 loyal readers for the dearth of postings over the past month or so. Between being busy at work, Thanksgiving, and not much exciting going on, I got lazy and stopped posting. I’ll try to pick it up. Let’s get to a random grab bag of goodies: Quick: Man or woman? http://www.break.com/index/singing-woman-with-a-beard.html Last weekend I went out in my hometown with a couple of my homeboys from high school. Much like in high school, we went to the supposed happening place in town only to find that not a single person within 5 years of our ages, either younger or older, was out that night. We didn’t do the night before Thanksgiving routine (because we’re old and some people have duties and responsibilities for Thanksgiving and can’t afford to be out all night drinking), and instead chose the Friday after Thanksgiving. It was a small group of 5, with one bailing early. Bored at the happening place with no one we knew, and not wanting to drive a long way to another bar in another town, someone suggested going to the local gentlemen’s club. I objected. I don’t have a problem with these places in general, but I was kind of proud of the fact I’d never been in the local gentlemen’s dive despite its being around for 20 years. I was outvoted, however, and we headed over. The place was much smaller than I thought it would be, and I really was not into being there. The women were meh, the place was small, and I really didn’t feel like potentially running into people I knew there. I also felt a little guilty being in there for some reason- perhaps because the Mrs. and I have been trying to get pregnant? Anyway, the guys sat down in some open chairs around a stage. I sat down because there really was nowhere else to chill, but sat back from the stage. I’ve never been into giving dollars to the ladies, and since, as I noted, these ladies were very meh, I stayed away and really didn’t look in the dancer’s direction much. Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from laughing while one of my buddies had the dancer’s leg hooked around his head, yet he refused to change his expression- no smile, no nothing. (It reminded me of the time when I was given an airplane spin by this scary dude in 7th grade against my will. I kept my hands in my pockets with no expression as he whipped me around. I could have died, but damn it I wasn’t going to show fear . . . ) Anyway, the dancer moves over to me, and is trying to get my attention. I’m not looking at her at all, which apparently pisses her off. She starts asking what my problem is, and I say something like I’m here against my will and don’t want to get in trouble. That doesn’t placate her, and she just gets angrier, accusing me of being cheap for not giving her a dollar. I should have just thrown some money at her, but I really didn’t think to do that because, I guess, I felt like I wasn’t doing anything. I wasn’t even looking at her- it’s not like I was getting a cheap thrill, pun intended. My straightfaced buddy then incredulously looked at me said “why are you trying to reason with her? Tell the dumb b!tch to get the f*** away from you!” That’s not really my style I guess. As my friend said, only I would get in an argument with a stripper while she’s on the stage . . . As a side note, I think another friend of mine got a lap dance from this nut later in the evening (he wasn’t there when our argument went down). The night was at least salvaged by getting breakfast at a diner afterward, although I was gagging myself on my own farts the next day and crapping my brains out all day . Nothing like a 2am breakfast piled on top of beer (and a hamburger for dinner) . . . With all the recent hubabaloo regarding Tiger’s dalliances with various lovely ladies across the globe, I can’t help but think that Derek Jeter is not only a future Baseball Hall of Famer, but a friggin genius. He has yet to get married. He’s been banging hotties since 1996- Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey, Scarlett Johansson, and now Minka Kelly. Sure, everyone’s envious, but there’s been no controversy because he hasn’t gotten married while still playing. If athletes out there waited until the end of their careers to get married, they might save themselves and their spouses some grief. Or not. I am in the process of reading Bill Simmons’ (aka the Sports Guy) book called the Book of Basketball. I’ve read about 175 of the over 700 pages, and although I’m not a big NBA fan, it’s been an enjoyable and informative read. Saying that (as Larry David might say), I was shocked the other night when I read a paragraph he wrote about the summer of 1976 being one of the greatest summers ever. Two of those reasons? Jaws was released and Randy “Pink” Floyd’s fictional class from the movie Dazed and Confused graduated. I read the section over several times, knowing full well that Jaws was released in the summer of 1975, not 1976, and also that Randy Floyd was a junior in Dazed and Confused, and therefore would not be graduating high school until 1977. I googled the Jaws thing just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. I was about to email Simmons (and still might), but decided to google “errors in the Book of Basketball and Simmons” or something like that. Apparently there are a number of mistakes. I can see getting something wrong like whether the Phoenix Suns made the Conference finals or semi-finals in a particular year (I’m making that up but apparently there is some similar mistake in the book), but I was shocked that Simmons could whiff so badly on a pop culture reference. I’m dumbfounded. Had to be an editing mistake, right? Right? Still, while it took me a few minutes to get over these two glaring errors, I’ve plowed on and am once again really enjoying the book. Speaking of Simmons and the NBA, I recall him once linking this classic, so let’s revisit it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk Who the hell is going to see him in concert, anyway??? And the creepy guitarist from SNL back in the day is there, too! What a concert that must have been. My friend and I used to have a friend in the neighborhood when we were kids whose father was a tremendous throat clearer. The guy must have had a lot of flem, or perhaps acid reflux, but we used to find it amusing in a 8 year old kid kind of way when he was ahemming over and over. So here are my two favorite throat clearing clips of all time. Phillip Seymour Hoffman in an underrated comedic performance in Along Came Polly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I25e9bNNfgQ and this recent Family Guy episode. It’s the whole episode, so go to about 3:39. And after that, well, watch the whole thing, or at least fast forward to about the 12:14 mark and watch until Jerome gives Lois the Heimlich maneuver . . . http://www.hulu.com/watch/107014/family-guy-jerome-is-the-new-black#s-p1-so-i0 |
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